love you. mean it.: Things I don't want to talk about

Prepare for an extremely long winded post that is perhaps hard to follow at times, but bear with me. (Also, none of these photos really relate to the post- but I figured it would help with the monotony ;) )

Today marks two days shy of a month from our big move. We have only been in the new house for a little shy of 3 weeks. Basically everything that has happened in our life in the past month has been good. But it has been really, really, really hard. I don't say this to be ungrateful- but to be real. As an INTJ I am famously private, insular, solitary...to a fault, and I'm trying to be more open. I have been helped by the friends I've made through blogging or by things I have read on other's blogs; so I say all of this with hopes that maybe sometime someone will read this and maybe I helped them in some small way.

The house we moved into was less than ready to be moved into. Its beautiful for the most part, its in a nice neighborhood, and all that. It had no hot water, holes in the walls, and filthy carpets to name a few. The landlords have been a nightmare to deal with, and we have additional unplanned monthly bills for this house.

Money this month has been rough. Don't worry I was raised right, I'm not going into specifics here. We've saved for a year for this move. But almost as a rule, the Navy messes your paycheck up during a move or promotion, and well, both of those things have happened (again- both good!) but it may not get fixed next month, and the major amounts of money we spent on the move won't be repaid for maybe 12 weeks or longer due to the sequester (lack of manpower to do the needed paperwork).

A LOT of our belongings were messed up in the move. We put in a $15,000.00 claim for damaged goods (to give you an idea). That won't be accepted. (not being negative nancy- we try to keep a PMA - or positive mental attitude for those non-breaking bad watchers). But the movers just won't pay that much. My dresser, which was made by hand by my great, great, great grandfather was split up the side during the move. No amount of money will fix that or replace it.

Since Henry was born I've struggled with major hormonal imbalances that still have not straightened out, coupled with post partum depression and anxiety. None of this was made easier by that.

I promise I don't say any of this to be dramatic or negative. I am humbled every day at the unending blessings I have in my life. I am saying this because this has been what I consider to be a "white knuckle" moment in my life.

Casey is a fellow blogger, and someone who I have never met in person, but I've read her blog for years. She talks a lot about entitlement in her blog. I am not entitled to ANY thing that has gone on in the past month to have gone ANY better than it did. None of us are entitled to anything. We are not even entitled to another breath, or another day. We are entitled to what has already passed.

(via pinterest- unsure of original source)

My faith has been a big part of keeping me from "losing it" over the past few weeks. God doesn't promise an easy path, but he promises he'll be there. It has taken me a long long time to "get that", and I still struggle with trusting that it will all be okay. I've had to remind myself to trust during my moments of entitlement, of expectation, that things SHOULD be different because I prayed about it darnit! Because I visualized it going well! Because I expected it to! Because I'm a good person, I deserve it! My husband who serves our country deserves this. My son deserves this. Well... Murphy's law and all that.

I have been working on being more positive, as I've said before. This has been a perfect test of that. And I've failed many days, and many times each day. But this experience so far has taught me that you really truly can learn from every single thing that happens in your life. Sometimes it comes easier than other times. Some times it takes a note to self every hour, every minute, every second. Its not easy to just say "be positive", but I've learned that being positive (and that just means doing your best, not being perfect with sunshine shooting out of your ears all the time) through everything really is worth it.